Who Are You

Writer, Coach, Encourager

Do you know what you like and dislike? Lets start with some simple things. Do you like round or square shapes, water exerciser or a gym work out? Gardening or reading a book? Cooking or crafting?

Have you been told what you like or want? So much that you don’t know what you like or who you are? You may have been so suffocated by a controlling personality and expected to be an extension of that person that you no longer really know who you are. You were told, pressured, or slowly convinced to be what they want, like what they like, do what they want. Yet they are not interested in anything you want to do. They try to keep you from family and friends, even to the point of cutting all ties to everyone.

You will need time, maybe alone, to re-discover who you are. How many years you have been in this controlling relationship will determine how long it will it will take you to discover What you want, like and who you are. It could be months or years. That is why you should not date for 2 years after any long term breakup. You want to allow yourself time to to heal and work on things like codependency and people pleasing. Or you will end up with the same person with a different face and a different name. Don’t rebound looking for comfort and the familiar. That is the kind of behavior that got you in this mess.

You are where you want to be. Think about that for a minute. If you didn’t want to be somewhere or with someone, you would leave.Take that in and accept personal responsibility. Life is a matter of choices. You can change your life is you wish.

Yes there will be sacrifices and changes. It is normal to be uncomfortable with changes. People stay in bad relationships because they are comfortable. Better the devil you know than the one they don’t. Would you rather be miserable OR strike out and start over. Many will stay miserable even in an abusive relationship than to give up the familiar. There is always a secondary gain to stay. It may be money, children, Fear, something you are getting out of that miserable situation. Yes there will be withdraw symptoms and Stockholm syndrome.

First you have to decide enough is enough. Are you are tired of being devalued and put down? Decide. Will you listen to your mind and not your emotions, now and in the future. Decide there is NO turning back, NO going back. You will make it on your own!

Write on index cards or paper and tape it on your mirror, sayings like.

Where there a will there’s a way.

If one Man/Woman has gone before me, why can’t I?

One Day at a time…Don’t borrow problems from tomorrow.

The bible says ‘Do Not Be Afraid’ 365 times, one for everyday of the year!

The problem is we focus too much on the problem instead of the solutions. Learn to re-focus each time you find yourself thinking of the problems and the past. Re-focus on the future and solutions. How are you going to overcome?

Answer… one step at a time! Don’t get overwhelmed by the whole.

Think what is the first step, then the second step. One step at a time.

It all comes down to what do you want? Do you want it bad enough to make it happen? Do you want to Settle or be more than a survivor. Be an Overcomer!

ReFocusing COVID-19

During this Covid-19 scare, many live in Fear. As a Christian we need to remember that scripture says 365 times ‘Do Not Fear”. One for each day of the year. Often our first response is to go into fear. We do not have our true worth and identity in Christ which gives us true peace. We need to become disciples, which mean learning and growing in Christ. God wanted a family and a relationship. It takes 2 to develop a relationship. That is for another time.

For now we need to refocus. Instead of thinking on on the negative and problems. Think on solutions and positive. Philippians 4:8 Whatsoever is of good report, lovely, wholesome, Pure, Think on these things.

Stop listening to all the news, reading popups on your phone and others that are negative, doom and gloom. Refuse to watch and listen to those doom Sayers and know this too shall pass. Instead of thinking what you can’t do while in self imposed quarantine, think of what you can do.

All those things you’ve been putting off around the house to do or fix.

Deep cleaning like under your sinks or cleaning out your closet and food pantry.

Organize the drawers of your dresser and linen closet.

Mending clothes, cleaning your shoes and boots.

Washing your slippers and Robes.

Fixing broken things around the house or out in the yard.

Planting a flower garden or vegetable garden

Cleaning out the paper clutter or book case

Trying new recipes or grilling outside more.

Painting that room or porch you’ve been wanting to for years now.

Read that book or write that book you’ve been wanting to.

Learn a new accent or language.

Take a course on Line.

Learn a new game.

Exercise to a DVD or cable program, walk, ride your bike

What have you always wanted to do? Make a list. Then label the list A, B,C.

This is even more important if you are isolated alone. When it is only you in the house. If your too tired to focus on a project or reading, then watch a comedy. Something to make you laugh, not fear causing or depressing.

Look forward with a positive attitude. Listen to uplifting music. And Refuse to listen to negative people.

Victim or OVERCOMER ?

If you are blaming others, you are a victim and have a victim mentality. The first thing you must do is accept PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. You are wasting time and fooling only yourself. The definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results! How many times do you have to “try harder, do better, make excuses for the other person, live in fear” before you wake up and smell REALITY?

Face your fears, make a plan. Your life is a matter of choices. Face it, take responsibility. You make a conscience choice or by default, not making a choice, choosing to stay in the life your in. Either way your making a choice, even no choice is a choice.

Fear keeps us from doing things we should and Fear is at the core of bad decisions. 365 times the Lord says do NOT Fear. One for each day of the year. Yet too much of our lives are rooted in fear. We fear change, that alone keeps us from moving forward.

Decide right here and now that you will make NO decision out of Fear.

That you will not let Fear Keep you stop you from doing things that are need or good to do. That doesn’t mean stupid things like jumping off a bridge.

Leaving a bad situation, dropping negative and bad relationships, and moving forward are good things to do. As the song says Fear is a Liar.

A Victim blames everyone else including God or Satan. That is a slave mentality.

An Overcomer conscientiously decides to face reality, not wishful thinking. Overcomers faces their bad choices and and learns to see others as they are NOT as they want them to be. Overcomers take off their Rose Colored Glasses.

An Overcomer makes up their mind that they will have a life BETTER than ever before. That they will come out ahead not behind. Yes there will be struggles and loses up front but you don’t have to stay there, IF you decide not to stay there and to move forward and upward. Yes, you will cry and grieve your loses, which is needed to move on. If you don’t let it out, you will get stuck and not be able to move on. Grieve what I call the loss of the dream, what should have been, could have been but never was. See people as they are, Not as you want them to be.

Bottom Line…Face your Co-Dependency and Find your true identity and worth in God. Stop looking for approval and Love in people. Stop being a people pleaser and caring so much about what everyone else thinks. As long as everything is good between you and God, as long as you have nothing to apologize for, then Don’t worry about what everyone else thinks or says. Don’t give them power over you by caring. Of course we like people to like us BUT if they don’t that is their issue. Don’t let them make it your problem! Don’t take everything personally. Don’t let them push your buttons. Be like Teflon and don’t let it stick. Let it roll off your back like water. Get the idea?

“Take control of your life” by Jim Richards is the best book I have found to see truth on the matter of Co-dependency. Available on Ultimate Impact.

“Verbally Abusive Relationships, How to Recognize them and How to respond” by Patricia Evans is an eye opener. Listen on Audible or Kindle to learn faster. I listened five times and bought the book to highlight and make notes in.

Never Run Back to What Broke You

Have you heard of two steps forward and one step back? In these situations it is one step forward and 10 steps back, IF you give in to emotions or manipulation. Keep the eyes of your heart wide open!

Get a counselor who specializes in Narcissistic behavior and they will know of the other personality types also. A Friend who has not “Been there, done that” will not understand or be able to help. They will give you bad advice and confuse you. Instead of validating you they will make you question yourself. And you have had enough of “IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT”.

Be a Strong Warrior Woman. SEE yourself as a Warrior Not as a weak spineless woman who lets who emotions rule her instead of common sense and logic. Let your head rule not your emotions. We all can let our emotions rule and take over. Whether it is anger, jealousy, Love, putting up with controllers, manipulators, or Narcissistic person.

Don’t let them confuse you and twist up your words. The battle is won and lost in the mind. You decide but when you do stick to it , DON’T look back!

Don’t torture yourself with the past and what could have been. Like Lot’s wife who looked back and turned to the pillar of salt. If you keep looking back you will be held back. You can’t move forward. Not to mention personally you will become and angry bitter person. anger and bitterness will only eat you up. It does not hurt anyone else but you. Do you want to continue being used, hurt, angry? Will you Be brave enough to make a change Change is scary, fear of the unknown. The majority will stay in a bad situation for fear of the unknown. We think we don’t have what it takes, we’re not strong enough, brave enough, etc.

You will be strong enough if you keep your eyes on the future not the past! Conquer your Fears! How? Face them without fear. Don’t look for approval from others. Follow your own vision of the future. Find your true Identity and worth in God and NOT people. We all like others to like us but when you have your true identity and worth , know who you really are, it doesn’t devastate you or even shake you if someone doesn’t like you. You can walk with your head held high. Forgive yourself and move on, don’t beat yourself up for past mistakes or let others put you in emotional jail. If you’ve asked forgiveness, tried to make peace, even if it’s not accepted, you’ve done your part. Move on. Don’t let it be a stone around your neck.

You can forgive someone without letting them back into your life. Forgiveness does not mean allowing others to violate you, abuse you, control or manipulate. It doesn’t mean you have to allow others to walk all over you and put up with abuse of any kind. Verbal, physical, neglect or whatever.

Don’t run back to someone who has made you feel worthless, degraded you, used you, anything other than treat you with respect and honor. Like Joseph of the bible RUN away, run in the other direction.

Healthy Relationships

Nora O’Malley

To be treated with fairness, Respect, dignity, AND to be free from intimidation, harassment or abuse. Is that too much to ask? It seems be too much to ask. 

If its not controlling parents, in-laws, siblings or friends, then it’s a spouse or significant other.  Telling you what to do, how to think, even What you like or don’t like! You may need time alone to think and rediscover or for the first time, discover who you are and what you like. 

I see red Flags in men and women. He’s lazy, controlling, argumentative, Political, Religious – in a legalistic way, not what scripture actually says, manipulating, unethical, it’s all about them, etc. 

If they can talk for two hours about themselves and never even ask about you – Red Flag! Man or Woman. 

Learn about boundaries, how to set them and how to stick to them. Boundaries are for you not the other person. It doesn’t matter if they like it or if they agree. Make your own boundaries and they are what you need to be safe and comfortable. YOU decide what your comfortable with and what your not comfortable with. No one else! They are YOUR boundaries. 

Yes you will have acquaintances but less good friends and maybe one good friend. But really One close friend who really gets you is all you need. Someone you can talk to and be open with yet feel safe from judging or put downs. 

To be a good friend:

1. Listen more than you talk. God gave you two ears and one mouth so listen twice as much.  

2. Don’t Judge or jump to conclusions. 

3. Always ask permission to speak into someone’s life. Don’t assume you can because your friends. They may not want your input or opinion. Sometimes we just need to talk things out to think them through. IF they say yes or ok then keep it to the point, objective,and centered on God. Not about you and what you want. 

4. Be there when they are truly in need or need to talk on the phone. 

5.  You have to know yourself, who you are and be happy with you before you can be a true friend to someone else. 

Read or listen to books on Audible or Kindle to learn about Boundaries. Listening everyday will help you learn faster and grow faster. 

Patricia Evans book I recommend first “Verbally Abusive Relationships, How to recognize and how to respond”

Dr. Henry Cloud has many books on boundaries.

Patrick Doyle on YouTube Emotional abuse and many others. 


What Am I So Afraid Of

Nora O’Malley

                                                              What am I afraid of ?

 We are all drawn to the familiar and what is comfortable.

When we know something is not right and we can’t put our finger on it.

You may make excuses for the other person, how they were brought up, other relationships, what parents did or didn’t do, the stress of work, school, a demanding boss, difficult teacher, stresses of life.

 Even when we know it is a violent situation we struggle to leave, why?

  1. Because we are comfortable with the familiar Even when it’s REALLY bad.

“Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t”.

2. We FEAR the unknown, the UNfamiliar, and UNcomfortable, more than the familiar life we have.

You might ask how you can be comfortable in a bad situation.

Answer….Denial, dismissing what we feel because we can’t put words to it. WHY…We haven’t been taught, counseled or read books about toxic people. 

Continue reading “What Am I So Afraid Of”

Not Finishing

Nora O’Malley

Do you find yourself not finishing many things you start? Or not even starting with your ideas, things you would like to do? Have you been told you can’t do it, you’re not good enough, who do you think you are? Your kidding, right? Or maybe you have set too many resolutions that you have broken through the years and in the Back of your mind, maybe way….back…you doubt yourself.

First things first…It all starts in the mind. Stop saying “I’ll try”. To “try” is to allow yourself a way out and to fail. So WIPE that word out of your vocabulary.

Secondly take baby steps. Finish something small, all those small things will add up to a big win. Or maybe your the type who wants to finish something big. That is great also, just don’t pick something long term to finish first. You can work on the long term but finish some of those small things. That will give you a sense of accomplishment.

Third Start thinking what are your limiting beliefs? What are limiting beliefs? They are the things you think about and how you see yourself. Do you see yourself as a failure or stuck in the situation your in now. And think there,s no way out? You are never stuck, there is always a way out but most people don’t want to leave their comfort zone, even if it’s a war zone. They think better the devil you know than the one you don’t.

Yet scripture tells us to look forward, take care of now and don’t look back. Remember Lot’s wife who looked back and turned to a pillar of salt. When we look back we become bitter, angry, full of regret, and stuck in the past because that is our focus. What are you focusing on?

Where your focus is, there is where your mind and heart will be. Everyday it is a matter of choices. Choose what you will think on. What problems you will solve today, not just dwell on and fret over. Think outside the box. What will your life be like in the future? It can be different and better but you have to choose it. Wishin doesn’t make it happen. Yes you may cry, have doubts and have emotional breakdowns because real change is hard. The question is what do you want out of your life, what would it look like if it were the way you want it to be?

Breaking emotional ties with those close to you is the hardest but needs to be done in cases of emotional and physical abuse. Even if you feel your heart is breaking and can’t imagine your life without the abuser. It needs to be done for your sanity and physical health. Emotional abuse affects your health as much as physical. Instead of bruises, internal bleeding, and broken bones. Instead there are diseases, emotional trauma, suicide, Stockholm syndrome, trauma bonds, back surgeries, Pain that keeps getting worse, health that keeps getting worse. Being told your crazy, your always the problem, nothing you do is right, etc. Patrick Doyle is an expert https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMnaexahcLo there are a some good books also like Patricia Evans book “Verbally Abusive Relationships, How to Recognize them and How to respond”. Listen on audible or kindle to learn faster.

It doesn’t matter if your change is small or major, make a plan and stick to it. Don’t let others confuse you, talk you out of it, or make you feel guilty for the changes you need to make. You are worthy and valuable. Your changes are important.

One day at a time, Deep Breaths, No Lookin back.

And don’t let others put you in emotional jail.

A King & 2 Daughters

There was a king who had 2 daughters. One was very selfish and demanding. The second was kind and sweet. One day the selfish daughter heard of a maker of dresses that was said to be the best in the land. She barged in during an important meeting that her father the king was presiding over. She told her father of this dress maker and demanded that the king hire him to make her the best dress for the upcoming event in the palace. The king replied “Hire Him” and she left.

The sweet daughter heard of this and kindly asked her father for a dress by the same dress maker. The king looked at her and said come to dinner with me and we will talk about it. At the end of the dinner, the king said I will consider it, come to dinner tomorrow. Each night the sweet daughter came to dinner and each night the king would say I will consider it.

One day a servant asked the king why he would give the selfish daughter a dress and not the kind and sweet one?

The King said I am afraid if I say yes she will not have dinner with me anymore. OUR Father wants to spend time with us but we are too busy.

The sweet daughter heard of this and kindly asked her father for a dress by the same dress maker. The king looked at her and said come to dinner with me and we will talk about it. At the end of the dinner, the king said I will consider it, come to dinner tomorrow. Each night the sweet daughter came to dinner and each night the king would say I will consider it.

One day a servant asked the king why he would give the selfish daughter a dress and not the kind and sweet one?

The King said I am afraid if I say yes she will not have dinner with me anymore.

There was another King who interviewed three men to drive the Royal Coach with his wife and children in it. To each he asked how close to the edge of the cliff can you get and still be safe?

The first Proudly boasted I can get within two feet and still be safe. The second boasted, I can get within one foot and be safe. The third said “My Lord, I would stay as far away from the edge as possible and hug the mountain. Which one would you hire?

That is what we do many times, see how far to the edge we can go and not sin. Instead of staying as close to God as possible. “Oh I can do….this or that and be ok”. Instead of avoiding all appearance of evil and walking as closely to God as possible. Instead of having one foot in the world and One in Christ, Choose this day and plant both feet on God’s path.

God did not give us rules to make things difficult, rather to protect and guide us.

God made us to be His family. He wants a relationship with you!

If he wanted more servants, he could have made more angels. Think how many times the scripture says make Disciples? More times than make converts. The bible was written to the church and His people before that. To help us learn and grow closer to Him. Not to use salvation as “fire insurance”.

Will you commit this day to grow in your relationship with your Heavenly Father, Let the Spirit led you, listen to that small still voice that warns and guides you, even when it doesn’t make sense. Not to live in FEAR. Not to fear change but boldly face it with the confidence God is with you each step of the way!


Nora O’Malley

Life is a matter of Choices. Choose to have hope, look to a new future and make it what you want it to be.

Yes you can choose to be sad and depressed or to be content even happy.

You choose to live life as is or change it.

What is your choice today?

Our Choices determine our life as it is now and how it will be in the future. Even choosing not to choose is a choice by default. If you decide to do nothing to change and stay in the life you have, that is a choice. You are choosing to stay in a bad situation or a life that is stagnate. If we are not learning and growing, like a tree, we are dying. If a tree does get water and sun to grow it dies. How are you watering and shining in your life? Are you growing or dying?

Are you living in Fear? Fear of the unknown, Fear of Change. Most people fear change because it is the unknown. We are in our comfort zone and are uncomfortable trying new things or changing their Life or situation.

Even now with the Virus going around, are you living in fear? If so contact a friend that will encourage you and lift you up. Not the Negative doom Sayers. Make new friends that give hope and encourage instead of those who complain and are negative.

Fast and pray. Fasting has many benefits to the body, allowing the kidneys and liver to rest, to cleanse out toxins and spiritually to focus on solving a problem or becoming closer to God. Develop a relationship with God a your loving heavenly father.

Virus & Panic

I am not saying any virus can not be serious and that we should not take precausions. I am saying …1. Don’t live in FEAR. Don’t Panic. The scripture says “Do not fear” 365 times, one for each day of the year.

Yes be prepared but not hoarder. Yes take precautions but dont freak out. Yes buy extra but don’t forget to share with those in need. Take Immune builders, disposable gloves, get plenty of sleep, drink half your body weight in water, eat clean = like a farmer not processed and junk foods.

Don’t forget to help your Senior, disabled, etc. neighbors that could not stock up and may need some food or toliet paper. Don’t let Fear steal your humanity.

If they are sick, you can leave it on the porch or by the front door.

Point is, this is nothing new. Every year there are viruses and last year 60,000 died. Two important things to avoid any virus or disease is…

#1 Get rid of Stress. Don’t live in Fear. Get rid of stress and live in Peace. No Drama, as much you is within you. Stress lowers your immunity.

#2 Make sure your body is more alkaline. An acidy body will be susceptable to disease and Viruses. A simple way to do this is to mix 1/4 to 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda in a small amount of water. If your over 50 yr. old, do this four times a day AND cut out sugar, junk food, and processed foods that makes it more acid.

Take this time to build your body up, health wise. Maybe learn to “Fast” every other day or 3 days a week. There are many benifits to fasting. Check out books or You Tubes by Jason Fung. I also use Young Living to build my immune system. Contact me if you wish to know more.

As Mrs. Claus, every year during the Christmas Season, parents bring sick childrens all the time, to see Santa and Mrs. Claus. They are too sick to go to school, SO they bring them to see Santa and Mrs. Claus. With little reguard or thought to making others around them sick or making Santa and Mrs. Claus sick.

We do what we can to stay healthy but most end up sick by the end of the season. and many take weeks to recover.

The point is we don’t Fear and Panic. We prepare, do what we can and face each season with excitement.

Remember, “This too shall Pass”.