Who Are You

Writer, Coach, Encourager

Do you know what you like and dislike? Lets start with some simple things. Do you like round or square shapes, water exerciser or a gym work out? Gardening or reading a book? Cooking or crafting?

Have you been told what you like or want? So much that you don’t know what you like or who you are? You may have been so suffocated by a controlling personality and expected to be an extension of that person that you no longer really know who you are. You were told, pressured, or slowly convinced to be what they want, like what they like, do what they want. Yet they are not interested in anything you want to do. They try to keep you from family and friends, even to the point of cutting all ties to everyone.

You will need time, maybe alone, to re-discover who you are. How many years you have been in this controlling relationship will determine how long it will it will take you to discover What you want, like and who you are. It could be months or years. That is why you should not date for 2 years after any long term breakup. You want to allow yourself time to to heal and work on things like codependency and people pleasing. Or you will end up with the same person with a different face and a different name. Don’t rebound looking for comfort and the familiar. That is the kind of behavior that got you in this mess.

You are where you want to be. Think about that for a minute. If you didn’t want to be somewhere or with someone, you would leave.Take that in and accept personal responsibility. Life is a matter of choices. You can change your life is you wish.

Yes there will be sacrifices and changes. It is normal to be uncomfortable with changes. People stay in bad relationships because they are comfortable. Better the devil you know than the one they don’t. Would you rather be miserable OR strike out and start over. Many will stay miserable even in an abusive relationship than to give up the familiar. There is always a secondary gain to stay. It may be money, children, Fear, something you are getting out of that miserable situation. Yes there will be withdraw symptoms and Stockholm syndrome.

First you have to decide enough is enough. Are you are tired of being devalued and put down? Decide. Will you listen to your mind and not your emotions, now and in the future. Decide there is NO turning back, NO going back. You will make it on your own!

Write on index cards or paper and tape it on your mirror, sayings like.

Where there a will there’s a way.

If one Man/Woman has gone before me, why can’t I?

One Day at a time…Don’t borrow problems from tomorrow.

The bible says ‘Do Not Be Afraid’ 365 times, one for everyday of the year!

The problem is we focus too much on the problem instead of the solutions. Learn to re-focus each time you find yourself thinking of the problems and the past. Re-focus on the future and solutions. How are you going to overcome?

Answer… one step at a time! Don’t get overwhelmed by the whole.

Think what is the first step, then the second step. One step at a time.

It all comes down to what do you want? Do you want it bad enough to make it happen? Do you want to Settle or be more than a survivor. Be an Overcomer!

ReFocusing COVID-19

During this Covid-19 scare, many live in Fear. As a Christian we need to remember that scripture says 365 times ‘Do Not Fear”. One for each day of the year. Often our first response is to go into fear. We do not have our true worth and identity in Christ which gives us true peace. We need to become disciples, which mean learning and growing in Christ. God wanted a family and a relationship. It takes 2 to develop a relationship. That is for another time.

For now we need to refocus. Instead of thinking on on the negative and problems. Think on solutions and positive. Philippians 4:8 Whatsoever is of good report, lovely, wholesome, Pure, Think on these things.

Stop listening to all the news, reading popups on your phone and others that are negative, doom and gloom. Refuse to watch and listen to those doom Sayers and know this too shall pass. Instead of thinking what you can’t do while in self imposed quarantine, think of what you can do.

All those things you’ve been putting off around the house to do or fix.

Deep cleaning like under your sinks or cleaning out your closet and food pantry.

Organize the drawers of your dresser and linen closet.

Mending clothes, cleaning your shoes and boots.

Washing your slippers and Robes.

Fixing broken things around the house or out in the yard.

Planting a flower garden or vegetable garden

Cleaning out the paper clutter or book case

Trying new recipes or grilling outside more.

Painting that room or porch you’ve been wanting to for years now.

Read that book or write that book you’ve been wanting to.

Learn a new accent or language.

Take a course on Line.

Learn a new game.

Exercise to a DVD or cable program, walk, ride your bike

What have you always wanted to do? Make a list. Then label the list A, B,C.

This is even more important if you are isolated alone. When it is only you in the house. If your too tired to focus on a project or reading, then watch a comedy. Something to make you laugh, not fear causing or depressing.

Look forward with a positive attitude. Listen to uplifting music. And Refuse to listen to negative people.

Victim or OVERCOMER ?

If you are blaming others, you are a victim and have a victim mentality. The first thing you must do is accept PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. You are wasting time and fooling only yourself. The definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results! How many times do you have to “try harder, do better, make excuses for the other person, live in fear” before you wake up and smell REALITY?

Face your fears, make a plan. Your life is a matter of choices. Face it, take responsibility. You make a conscience choice or by default, not making a choice, choosing to stay in the life your in. Either way your making a choice, even no choice is a choice.

Fear keeps us from doing things we should and Fear is at the core of bad decisions. 365 times the Lord says do NOT Fear. One for each day of the year. Yet too much of our lives are rooted in fear. We fear change, that alone keeps us from moving forward.

Decide right here and now that you will make NO decision out of Fear.

That you will not let Fear Keep you stop you from doing things that are need or good to do. That doesn’t mean stupid things like jumping off a bridge.

Leaving a bad situation, dropping negative and bad relationships, and moving forward are good things to do. As the song says Fear is a Liar.

A Victim blames everyone else including God or Satan. That is a slave mentality.

An Overcomer conscientiously decides to face reality, not wishful thinking. Overcomers faces their bad choices and and learns to see others as they are NOT as they want them to be. Overcomers take off their Rose Colored Glasses.

An Overcomer makes up their mind that they will have a life BETTER than ever before. That they will come out ahead not behind. Yes there will be struggles and loses up front but you don’t have to stay there, IF you decide not to stay there and to move forward and upward. Yes, you will cry and grieve your loses, which is needed to move on. If you don’t let it out, you will get stuck and not be able to move on. Grieve what I call the loss of the dream, what should have been, could have been but never was. See people as they are, Not as you want them to be.

Bottom Line…Face your Co-Dependency and Find your true identity and worth in God. Stop looking for approval and Love in people. Stop being a people pleaser and caring so much about what everyone else thinks. As long as everything is good between you and God, as long as you have nothing to apologize for, then Don’t worry about what everyone else thinks or says. Don’t give them power over you by caring. Of course we like people to like us BUT if they don’t that is their issue. Don’t let them make it your problem! Don’t take everything personally. Don’t let them push your buttons. Be like Teflon and don’t let it stick. Let it roll off your back like water. Get the idea?

“Take control of your life” by Jim Richards is the best book I have found to see truth on the matter of Co-dependency. Available on Ultimate Impact.

“Verbally Abusive Relationships, How to Recognize them and How to respond” by Patricia Evans is an eye opener. Listen on Audible or Kindle to learn faster. I listened five times and bought the book to highlight and make notes in.