What am I afraid of ?
We are all drawn to the familiar and what is comfortable.
When we know something is not right and we can’t put our finger on it.
You may make excuses for the other person, how they were brought up, other relationships, what parents did or didn’t do, the stress of work, school, a demanding boss, difficult teacher, stresses of life.
Even when we know it is a violent situation we struggle to leave, why?
- Because we are comfortable with the familiar Even when it’s REALLY bad.
“Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t”.
2. We FEAR the unknown, the UNfamiliar, and UNcomfortable, more than the familiar life we have.
You might ask how you can be comfortable in a bad situation.
Answer….Denial, dismissing what we feel because we can’t put words to it. WHY…We haven’t been taught, counseled or read books about toxic people.
Maybe you were raised in a dysfunctional home
Maybe you were brought up to think this type of behavior was NORMAL.
- You are not sure that you can make it financially on your own; especially if you have children to support.
- Can I do this emotionally? Can I make a clean break? Can I handle the withdraw from my partner? Can I stay away and not cave? Can I stand up to his/her rages? His/her intimidation and belittling?
- How can I keep my partner out of my daily life; off my email and texting, from harassing me and trying to manipulate me? How will I KNOW when He/she is trying to manipulate me?
It IS Possible, I am proof that it is possible. You must listen to your logic not emotions or confused thinking. When your emotions start to draw you back to that abuser, through tears and all, stick to the facts and do not give in to emotions. IF you do give in, the abuser will get worse than before knowing they can pull you back in.
What can you do to prepare? Educate yourself, seriously, not hit or miss. Make it a hard serious study. Listen everyday to books on audible or kindle to learn faster. Start with Patricia Evans book “Verbally abusive relationships, how to Recognize them and How to Reply”. Then go on to other authors to get a different perspective. Watch on You Tube, Patrick Doyle, Emotional Abuse. Learn everyday! When you feel weak…listen to the book or read one on the topic. It will strengthen you. NO Do NOT share the book or anything with the abuser! They will turn it against you. Read it to the end, digest it, apply it. That is the key, Education and Don’t turn back, Don’t give in. If you do you will have a harder road and have to leave again latter. This applies to family relationships also.
No contact if possible is the best way to break away from toxic relationships. If there are children that may not be possible so minimal contact with another person with you for support and so maybe they will not act up so much. Block them on email and the phone, even text if they do not get the message that you will not put up with the verbal assault. They can mail you the old fashion way, which is better so it is in print for legal matters. Let them know they can not verbally vomit on you, that you have boundaries.
Don’t allow them to intimidate you. Example : when exchanging the children do it at a parent or grandparents house. You don’t even have to be there. Leave the child there and let him pick up or drop off. Don’t let him/her bully you into doing it their way. You set the boundaries and stick with them. If your there and they start acting up/raging, set the child down and walk away. You don’t have to stand there and take their abuse.
Act Don’t react. They are looking for a reaction good or bad they get what they want. Be neutral. State facts or say nothing at all and walk away. You can cry or get upset in private….just so he/she doesn’t know.
One good friend who understands Narcissistic controllers is all you need. Don’t share with everyone, they won’t get it and will give you all kinds of unwanted and confusing advice. Unless you’ve been there or studied it, they won’t understand.
Cry to the Lord and listen for His leading, even if it doesn’t make sense, listen and follow. The Holy Spirit warns us and tries to lead us all the time but we go with Human logic instead. Listen and trust your gut which may be the Holy Spirit.