Tag: Toxic people

Healing Yourself

By the still waters ….

Healing yourself emotionally, is key to your peace, your health, and your whole being. If you do not work on yourself first then every decision, intentionally or unintentionally, will be influenced by the broken side of you. Not deciding, is deciding. You decided to not decide or choose. You give others your power of decision. In other words, you give your power away. How do you feel valued and how do you indirectly or directly control the situation or people? Do you really want to change or stay in your comfort zone? Most people will stay in their comfort zone. You are a rare breed if you choose to change and follow through.

If you are a co-dependent then every decision will be influenced by your need to be loved, accepted, to be the peace maker and to please. If you are a controller then every decision and reaction will be in a protective mode to guard your ego and defend who you think you are. The mind protects the ego. Since the ego must be protected, you may be hostile towards anyone you feel is a threat to your sense of self, the ego. The need to be right is extraordinarily strong. The need to be in control is also extraordinarily strong. How deeply do you want change? Are you willing to face the ugly truth? To face yourself, accept personal responsibility, and do the hard heart work?

You cannot change anyone but yourself. So Why do you still try? Think on that. The definition of insanity is “keep doing the same thing, expecting different results”. Does that definition fit your life? What are you going to do about it? How are you going to change? That’s right, it’s all about you. You can only change you but are you willing to accept “personal responsibility” and work on yourself instead of trying to change others? Until you are willing to face yourself and accept personal responsibility, life will be as it is, nothing of significance will change. Wherever you are, your problems follow you. No matter how many relationships, you have the same problems. Because the problem is you or how your allowing others to treat you.

Healing is within, so look within. Education is key to changing your mind and outlook. The real question is do you really want to change? No matter the consequences? Loss of family who are toxic, loss of friends, starting over on your own, a new job, new friends that are emotionally healthier? All those scenarios can be good, depending on your outlook. There is a grieving process for what you thought you had but was not real. I cannot go into details like a book does. But feel free to write with your questions and I will try to answer them. Do you want to sit in peace by the still waters? or continue in the insanity? 

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Read books or listen, as I do, on Audible to learn faster. “Take Control of Your Life” by Dr. Jim Richards, the best book I have read on Co-Dependency. These two are not on Audible.

“Verbally Abusive Relationships, How to recognize them and How to respond” by Patricia Evans.

“Safe People”, “Necessary Endings”, “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. Cloud and Townsend have many books on Boundaries with different focuses. The basic Boundaries is good to start with, then there are Boundaries in Marriage, Boundaries with Teens, Boundaries in Dating, etc.

“Never Go Back” by Dr. Henry cloud.

“Alone with God” by John MacArthur.

“The Divorce Phoenix” by Honoree Corder.

“The Human Magnet Syndrome” by Ross Rosenberg, explains why we are drawn to the wrong people. I have others to recommend if you are interested, let me know.

Safe People

Do you know a safe person when you see one?

Do you know the signs of an unsafe person?

Do you have someone in your life who is always telling you what you should or shouldn’t do? Telling you How to be, How to think, what to say, How you should feel? Who should be your friend and who you should not hang with?

If you think about it, do you really know what you like and don’t like? Let’s try something simple. Do you prefer square or oval shaped? Are you a water person or prefer the gym? If you had to think hard about it, that is a sign that you have lost yourself and have allowed someone else to have control over you. You may feel like a victim but let’s face the fact, you GAVE your power away. You are ALLOWING them to control you and You CAN at anytime take your power back. There is something stopping you, a secondary benefit.

What is a secondary benefit? Only you can decide that. Here are some possibilities. If your mate is the main provider then it could be financial. If you’re the main care giver of children and don’t really have a skill or education, then you may be concerned about how can you support your children and yourself financially. Maybe you are so co-dependent that you emotionally think you need their approval and what you perceive as love. People pleasing is a sign of co-dependency. Controlling, manipulating people are not giving you real love. It is called Love bombing, where they act like they love you to get what they want, to get you to do what they want. Playing to your weak spots and they know all of them.

If family or friends, are putting you down, pointing out the negative, most of the time. That is not a healthy relationship. It doesn’t matter if it’s your mother, husband or Grown child. You need to set HEALTHY boundaries. Boundaries that protect you emotionally and physically. Emotional turmoil can cause you to be sick in many ways. If you find your health keeps going downhill, your emotions and the emotional abuse you’ve suffered may be at the bottom of it all.

Safe people WILL Listen to you and Not tell you what to do. They may ask questions to help you think it through but they do not tell you what to do or not to do unless you have given them permission to. Safe people don’t put you down, they support you and try to help in a Positive way. Safe people will listen more, so you can talk yourself, your feelings, through and figure them out.

Safe people are there for you when you call and let you cry on their shoulder but will guide you to solutions. As a rule, even with a counselor, you should only spend about 15 min. talking about the problem, then move on to solutions.

Don’t dwell on the past, learn from it and move on. Like Lot’s wife you can turn into a pillar of salt…a heart of stone. Become an angry bitter person. Forgiveness is for YOUR sake not the offender.

Don’t look back, Your not going that way!