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When To Walk Away

Narcists (N) do not feel bad for what they did. They don’t want to change unless it is to become better Narcists. They don’t want what’s best for you.
They are hoping they did such a good job of destroying your foundation of who you are, that you stay stuck. They hope you come crumbling down like a building whose foundation has been destroyed. They destroy Your foundation of your image; they destroy your belief system. They have been doing this since
day one. N does not look up to you as others do in a new relationship.

They need to one up with you, they have been chipping at your self esteem for a very long time. Nothing makes an Narcists happier than if
their target is now out of the relationship and stays in a disempowered state.

In the beginning of the relationship, they slowly stole the things that were you. They either took them on as their own personality or they stamped them out in you by creating such chaos around the things you love to do.

Who you were at the end of the relationship is not who you were at the beginning if this was a significant other. If you say I’m not the real me now. You know who you were and who you became. Who they were before the N and who they were after. If the Narcists was a parent, you don’t have that sense
of before and after. You have the sense you never have been allowed to be you.
When the relationship ends, if you start to become empowered, living in alignment with more empowering beliefs, like I am worthy, I am enough, I am lovable, I am amazing. Instead of the beliefs they put in you. Which were I am not enough, I am unworthy, I am unlovable, I don’t deserve, all
negative things.

That’s a huge blow to their way of seeing themselves because if you thrive that means that they are powerless over you. Nothing makes them happier than destroying you while in the relationship and then watching you continue the job of destroying self by staying in those disempowered beliefs. They don’t want you to move on. They don’t want you to get or be happy.
They want you to get stuck living the way they live. Malignant Narcists live life through a false core. They are not authentic beings. They are not living in a place of authenticity. They have a false self and when they want to impress people instead of becoming a good person, they polish their false self and they live life through that false self. They know their targets have the potential to be authentic human beings. Sometimes the target doesn’t realize they have that potential, but the Narcissist knows. There is nothing they would like more than to make you live in a false self, the way they live in a false self.

One of the ways they go about this is by slowly removing your freewill. The right to be yourself, your right to have your own feelings, your own thoughts. They go about this by every time you have your own perspective, or you disagree because you are two separate people, and you see things differently.
They shame you or use scripture verses out of context to make you see things their way. Your nervous system no longer feels safe being you. You don’t feel safe giving your perspective, or showing people who you really are. You lose touch with that sense of inner safety. As a result, when we don’t feel safe
inside, we stop being ourselves. We stop living in the realm of authenticity and we begin living life as a false self. It is different from the Narcissist; it is not a mirage. We are pretending in a way, but it is a false core that is really what is called a protective self. Instead of living in an authentic self we are living in a
protective self. The Narcissist doesn’t have an authentic self, they live in a false self.

Our protective self is a false self, it is not who we really are. The protective things we do when we are stuck in our fight, flight, freeze? We think they are personality traits, they are not they are trauma responses.

They tend to happen over a long period of time, so we begin to identify with that as that is who we are. “I am a people pleaser”, you may be acting like a people pleaser but it is coming from a trauma response not
feeling safe being me. I’m going to stop being me to be someone else that makes you happy so I can feel safe. It goes back to no longer living in authenticity but living in a protective self.

Narcissists would love to keep you living in a false self. A protective self rather than who you are. If they cannot be authentic, why should you be.

Narcissist would love for you to waste time to prove to everyone who the real abuser is. They are expert manipulators. They have been laying the foundation, longer than you realize, for people to believe that you are the problem, and they are the victim of you. When you finally wake up and they discard you or
you leave the toxic relationship, they have already spent a long time laying the groundwork to view you as the problem. Now you are going to try to prove your truth. They love it when you do this. They know you cannot stand up against them in a manipulation battle. You are an honest person, a real person and
they are an expert manipulator. They twist and turn things.

The reason they would love for you to do this after the relationship is over, is because it continues to distract you from your life. Guess who you’re
focusing on, whether it is negative or positive, it is still supply to the Narcissist when you are focused on them. When your energy is being given out because of them, to them, or for them. You are not focusing
on you, you are focusing on the Narcissist. You are focusing on trying to prove to people who do not believe you most of the time, because you were set up. This keeps you from living your life and further invalidates you. It further gas lights you, further confuses you and makes you isolated and alone. They
would love for that to happen.

What do you do to avoid all that. Your foundation does not get fixed overnight, it takes time. As a physical injury would take time to heal. Our soul, inner self, authentic self, was distorted because of the gaslighting and manipulation. Just removing the toxic person, while it is helpful, not to have people in your life that are trying to destroy you, if that’s all you do and let time go on. You will always feel that distinction of who you were before the relationship and who you became after. Just like a physical injury you need a Dr. or life coach, to be healed. Our inner self needs attention. Time is not going to heal the trauma wound.

The wounds that are in the brain that have affected the subconscious. Those wounds need help. They do not go away with time. You need to be willing to do the inner work. When you deconstruct the false self that is the CPTSD work. It is not just about learning. We can know what we should or should not do after
Narcissist abuse, how we should see things and what the correct mindset is. We can have all that logic and yet feel unable to implement it. The protective self does the work for the Narcissist. Our own body keeps us from doing that consciously we would love to do. Since our authentic self was met with such
shame, abandonment, and insult, our own body starts freaking out when we go to do things that we were formally shamed and abandoned for. It freaks out in the we start to get discomfort in the body. We call it procrastination when it is our body saying I don’t feel safe to do that. We stay stuck in that protective self until we do the inner work.

Deconstructing the protective self takes time. It is not a watch a video and tomorrow the protective self is gone. It is a gradual shrinking of the trauma wounds, and a gradual increasing of your own inner agency that takes place. People give up too fast or they get help for
one symptom then they stop giving attention to themselves. Then they stay stuck or in another relationship that only reveals those wounds are still there. because they didn’t do all the inner work that is needed. When you find a program, stay with it long enough that it penetrates your subconscious. So, the shifts you’re doing last. When it comes to the smear campaign, trying to prove your truth, the reality, the secret the Narcissist doesn’t want you to realize is that you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Your belief in you is way more powerful than fifty people believing in you. When those fifty people are gone, your validation is dependent on how they see you. The second they are gone you are going to feel that insecurity again. What are people thinking? do they think this of me? Am I the abuser?

What is going on? How are people seeing me? Once you learn it is like to feel the strength of your own inner validation, it won’t matter. If people believe you, it will be like the icing on the cake. If they do not believe you, it won’t touch you because you believe you. Part of the recovery is learning how to trust
yourself again. That is the rewiring part we have to do with our nervous system and with our belief system. The one thing the Narcissist wants from you after the discard is they want you to stay stuck. By you getting you back, it is the most empowering thing you can do for yourself.

Online Dating

BEWARE … Facebook romances to Dating sites, even Christian ones, there are so many dangers and scams.

I know of women who fell for FB scams by men young enough to be their grandsons, who told the women, “age doesn’t matter to them”. The men know what these women want to hear. They know the women are lonely, need to be heard, need words of caring, love. Need to FEEL special.

One such woman had lost her husband, sold her house and despite friends warning her not to trust a man she had never met, she turned over ALL of her money while insisting he would pay it back. Of course he never did. Don’t get drawn into online romances. Those photos may not even be the real person behind the profile.

I had three people who found their true loves on Christian Mingle and other sites. They encouraged me to try it. Despite my misgivings and thinking there are mostly Narcissist, controller’s, and manipulators on those sites. I decided to try it for one month to see for myself. Immediately men 500 miles away started asking me if I was new to the site, Red flag. If I owned a house or rented a house or rented an apartment, Red flag. Why would they ask money questions or very personal questions, first thing or even after a day of two? Those are Red Flags! Pay attention to them. If something sounds off to you, don’t answer and block them… Report them to the site. Trust your gut, don’t ignore those misgivings.

Scammers tell you what you want to hear. I Reported four or more. I also received nine emails from the dating site, warning me not to talk to these nine men, that they were being investigated. I canceled my profile and subscription after that, before the month was up.

Find your true identity and self-worth, without another human in your life. Many find this in God, IF they go deep enough with God. Find a hobby you would love and can lose time doing. Photography, gardening, maybe dancing. Make new friends with people who have common interest.

Imagine everyone has a sign on them that says “Make me feel special”. Make someone else feel special so they don’t go down that dark side.

Depression

Maybe it was Christmas alone, Valentines Day, or retiring and not hearing from family. Struggles and trauma, your whole life? Many things can lead to depression.

Do you feel like your the only one who struggles with depression? Many people hide it so you would never know. They may smile and laugh it off, they could be hostile, angry, intimating, a know it all, which many times is a sign of insecurity, and not sure of themselves. Many throw up a smoke screen like teens do, to see if you will react. If you do not react and are “open” then the teen will feel safe to get to the real issue. People put up fronts before you get to know the real person. It takes an investment of time to get to know the real person. It takes time to get to know yourself and turn the depression around. Try the list below. Make a conscience effort to move forward. Don’t dwell on the past, Live for the moment! You can make anything work IF you really want to.

  1. Make a list of things you like and what you want in life? Discover who you really are and what makes you tick. Not what someone else tells you to like, what you should like or how you should think. Do you like square or round? Are you a Pool/ water Person or a workout in the Gym Person? What are you excited to work on, to do or make?
  2. Sit out in the sun and fresh air each day for a few minutes or longer. It is amazing how calming it is . Just getting outdoors away from electronics, children, chores, work, reconnect with nature and God. Go for a walk around the block and increase the distance, as you get stronger.
  3. Breathing deep for five minutes in the morning and at night. This will give your body the extra oxygen it needs to be health. Fill the lower lobes of your lungs each day and increase the time to 30 minutes a day. Have a glass of water ready when your throat is dry, drink half your body weight in water each day. If you’re 100 pds, drink 50 oz of water a day. For every cup of coffee you drink, have 2 glasses of water. Coffee is a diuretic.
  4. Choose friends who are what you want to be. “Iron sharpens Iron”. If you have negative, complaining people around you, then you will become that way. Miserable people want to make others miserable. Look for people who are positive, upbeat, maybe energetic. As we age the energy may be less but there is still a drive to do more and be more. Drop people who make you feel upset, negative, who irritate you. One command the scriptures tells us and many over look is “As much as is with in you, Live in Peace”. It IS your choice to live in peace or chaos, in love or anger, what will it be.
  5. I have a sign that I bought in Tennessee and brought back to Arizona, because I needed to be reminded of it, often. “Don’t look back, You’re not going that way”! STOP with the regrets and the what If’s. Move forward. All that negative energy you spend on the past is keeping you from a happier future. You only have so much energy and time. What will you spend it on? The past or today and the future? I find depression comes from the past and regrets or no hope for the future. Find something that you would love to do and go for it.
  6. Happiness is a choice.

Life coach, Nora O’Malley

www.noraomalley.com

How Summer Has Flown By

We can lose track of time doing things we enjoy
Work, hobby, responsibilities, We can lose track of time

I have been in a process of refinancing my house to upgrade functional things like A/C, Irrigation, Flooring and more. I totally lost track of time and my writing has suffered. I am now getting back to writing my book and thinking about what to blog about next. Any suggestions?

Be in the moment, Don’t try to do too many things at one time. Prioritize what needs to be done vs wants. Then prioritize the wants, which want is most important to you? How much time and effort do you want to give that want? Making a popsicle house may be relaxing and therapeutic to you. It would be good to do that when you are stressed. Find something that relaxes you, besides watching tv, which can keep you up at night. Crochet, garden, woodworking, photography? Ask yourself if I could do anything, that I would enjoy, what would it be?

It is crucial to get sleep and eat well during transitions or stressful times. It is very difficult to control your thoughts and temper when you are hungry, tired and rundown. Self control is key in relationships, eating, working, hobbies and anything you might binge on.

Living in Peace is key for me. Is it for you? What are you willing to do or not do, to live in Peace? That will be my next article and yes it will be based on scripture. There is a huge difference between what religion teaches and scripture says. Would you like to know more? I am not going to argue with those who are religious and legalistic. I will help those willing to learn truth based on scripture and open minded. Let me know what you are interested in.

The holidays are upon us. What are your plans?

Healing Yourself

By the still waters ….

Healing yourself emotionally, is key to your peace, your health, and your whole being. If you do not work on yourself first then every decision, intentionally or unintentionally, will be influenced by the broken side of you. Not deciding, is deciding. You decided to not decide or choose. You give others your power of decision. In other words, you give your power away. How do you feel valued and how do you indirectly or directly control the situation or people? Do you really want to change or stay in your comfort zone? Most people will stay in their comfort zone. You are a rare breed if you choose to change and follow through.

If you are a co-dependent then every decision will be influenced by your need to be loved, accepted, to be the peace maker and to please. If you are a controller then every decision and reaction will be in a protective mode to guard your ego and defend who you think you are. The mind protects the ego. Since the ego must be protected, you may be hostile towards anyone you feel is a threat to your sense of self, the ego. The need to be right is extraordinarily strong. The need to be in control is also extraordinarily strong. How deeply do you want change? Are you willing to face the ugly truth? To face yourself, accept personal responsibility, and do the hard heart work?

You cannot change anyone but yourself. So Why do you still try? Think on that. The definition of insanity is “keep doing the same thing, expecting different results”. Does that definition fit your life? What are you going to do about it? How are you going to change? That’s right, it’s all about you. You can only change you but are you willing to accept “personal responsibility” and work on yourself instead of trying to change others? Until you are willing to face yourself and accept personal responsibility, life will be as it is, nothing of significance will change. Wherever you are, your problems follow you. No matter how many relationships, you have the same problems. Because the problem is you or how your allowing others to treat you.

Healing is within, so look within. Education is key to changing your mind and outlook. The real question is do you really want to change? No matter the consequences? Loss of family who are toxic, loss of friends, starting over on your own, a new job, new friends that are emotionally healthier? All those scenarios can be good, depending on your outlook. There is a grieving process for what you thought you had but was not real. I cannot go into details like a book does. But feel free to write with your questions and I will try to answer them. Do you want to sit in peace by the still waters? or continue in the insanity? 

Leave your email and questions below in the form

Read books or listen, as I do, on Audible to learn faster. “Take Control of Your Life” by Dr. Jim Richards, the best book I have read on Co-Dependency. These two are not on Audible.

“Verbally Abusive Relationships, How to recognize them and How to respond” by Patricia Evans.

“Safe People”, “Necessary Endings”, “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. Cloud and Townsend have many books on Boundaries with different focuses. The basic Boundaries is good to start with, then there are Boundaries in Marriage, Boundaries with Teens, Boundaries in Dating, etc.

“Never Go Back” by Dr. Henry cloud.

“Alone with God” by John MacArthur.

“The Divorce Phoenix” by Honoree Corder.

“The Human Magnet Syndrome” by Ross Rosenberg, explains why we are drawn to the wrong people. I have others to recommend if you are interested, let me know.

Forgiveness is Key


Forgiveness does not mean you allow others to take advantage of you again. Forgiveness does not mean you allow them to abuse or hurt you in anyway. That is not Love, even though you may think it is loving to allow them to continue, as is, in your life. Forgiveness does not mean you have no boundaries. Forgiveness does not mean you are a door mat and people can do whatever they want to you. Forgiveness does not mean you allow a toxic or destructive person into your life or back into your life.

We must have tough love for those close to us and hold them accountable, not letting them by with their infractions. Letting them by with what they do will only encourage them to do more of the same. They will know you will allow it, excuse it, and not stand up to them. Consequently, they will not only continue, they will get worse and do worse. Do not play the victim role. Stand up in love, with strength, and say no, no more. You do not need to be angry to stand up the abuser. As a matter of fact, it is better if you are calm, collective and cool about it, so they see they can not manipulate your emotions. If you can not do this face to face, write it out in a letter, or do it over the phone. Outline what you want to say in order to stay on track. Then be prepared to stand behind what you wrote and don’t be swayed. If you start to get emotional or feel you are being manipulated, walk away.

Arguing is not going to change them and will only frustrate you and may cause you to give in once again. Trying to make your point will not cause them to see it. They refuse to see your point. They can only see their point of view. When it comes time to talk face to face, pick a place where you can walk away or do it over the phone. Either way have sayings you can fall back on like “We agree to disagree” or “This is going nowhere good, so I am ending the conversation” “This is a looping argument, then hang up or walk away. State it in a calm cool way. If you leave this calm state, you know emotions are taking over. Do not let them drag you into more of the same. Take your power back and walk away.

They want power over you, and you have been giving it to them. Realizing that alone may give you the mind set to make the corrections you need. Some people are harder to deal with face to face, that is why a letter, or the phone is better in that it helps you stay strong and not give in to their intimidation or confusion. And they will try to confuse you and make you think your all wrong. This is called crazy making.

Now forgiveness is medically, psychologically, and emotionally needed. If we do not forgive it will eat at us like a cancer. It will dominate our thoughts and can make us physically sick. I like the saying when addressing anger, bitterness and unforgiveness…”unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. Your hurt, anger, bitterness is not hurting them, it is killing you. If they or their words are in your thoughts, in your heart, soul, they are still controlling you and Killing you. You are allowing what they have said or have done to make you an angry bitter person, full of venon that will spill over into other relationships and ultimately can cause you to die an early death or illness as it eats away at you. Forgiveness is for OUR sakes NOT their sake. If you want a live of PEACE, love and harmony, forgive and let it go.

How? When you think of that person, say to yourself, I forgive, insert their name. Do not go over all that was said or done, that only reinforces the negative. Forgive and Pray for them. It is hard to hate or resent someone you’re praying for.

Forgiveness is for your sake.

Friendships

What is harsh? Are you emotional? Angered? Hurt? Embarrassed?

Then the chances are you will be harsh, attacking, rude, even hostile, when responding or reacting.

When we react it is more often than not about us not the other person. They hit a trigger point of hurt. It’s like having a chip on your shoulder and they knowingly or unknowingly knocked the chip off.

Some are Controllers, Some maybe good friends but freaked out temporarily. We all freak out sometimes but if it is a pattern in your friends life, then it may be time to move on from that friendship. It is OK to move on. A friendship doesn’t have to last forever. We change location, Jobs, Churches, and when we do, we gain new friends and lose other friends.

Why do we think friendships have to last forever? It is great when that happens, yet very rare in todays mobile society. If you’ve done something wrong, apologize and make it right, if possible. If they don’t accept the apology or keep blaming you, yelling at you. Then it’s time to move on.

No, friendships don’t grow on trees and healthy relationships are even harder to find. Sometimes it’s better to be alone, than to be put down, run down, and blamed. That is bad for your mental health and self-esteem so why tolerate it in the name of friendship.

It is always good to meet new people and make new friends. You don’t want to be so depended upon one person that if something happens you are devastated, feeling lost. Also you don’t want to overuse one person with your problems or needing help. It is better to have others who can help out when needed or be a shoulder to cry on.

To make new friends, join clubs that interest you, then you may find people with common interest, that is always a good place to start. You don’t have to go to places you don’t want to, say a bar. there are plenty of places to go out to eat, get together, meet up groups, singles group, maybe a dance group, chorus, Handbell choir, photography, biking or hiking groups. Think outside the box. Make a list of your interest, hobbies, things you want to try or do someday. Someday is here, Go for it!

Merry Christmas

2020 will be a very different Christmas as people are afraid to fly or gather in the same house.

Most Holidays I spend alone since my divorce and I do enjoy the peace, drama free zone. I have been invited to Thanksgiving to friends but most don’t think of friends for Christmas. I had two Thanksgiving dinner and one Christmas dinner here at my home with neighbors who had no family near. Since Covid I think they would be afraid to come over so I am not planning on hosting a dinner. I may get with one friend who has been having health issues, no not covid. That remains to be seen.

What are your plans? Travel or virtual visits? Virtual just is not the same. Yes you can make the same dish and eat it at the same time….yes it is nice to see their faces and chat BUT it is not the same. There is no replacement for the human touch, hug, or bing there in person. On the plus side there may be less drama. Living in a drama free zone is key for me. You will have drama if you have anyone in your life, friends or family. It is how you deal with that drama that is important.

Realize you can not control anyone but you. Remind yourself that living in peace is much more important than being right. Drama can only invade your peace if you allow it. In every situation you can walk away when you realize the other person is not really listening. They have their mind made up and it doesn’t matter what you say or don’t say. Debating, arguing, or whatever you want to call it is casting your pearls before swine. No I am not saying they are pigs. I am saying they have no value for what you have to say. You are wasting your breath, time and energy. Not to mention the emotional and mental toll it will take from you.

When you consider the number of blended families, divorces, and remarriages, it is almost impossible for everyone to get along. We are so broken and bring so much baggage into relationships. Unless we have worked on healing ourselves and finding our true idenity instead looking to people to tell us who we are and to make us feel loved. There are very few in the world who have done that.

Plan ahead for what might happen and how you can diffuse it. Plan a seating chart to avoid conflict. Ask ahead about allergies to foods, gluten free, Celiac disease, and have alternatives. Plan soothing Christmas or Harp music on the TV. Harp music has been studied and shown to calm children down. Play it softly in the background so no one really notices yet has that calming effect. Planning, giving thought to details ahead of time can advert many disasters or conflicts.

One forth of July, I had my father in law over with a new couple we wanted to get to know. Being older, lonely and just his personality, he monopolized the conversation. Everytime we would turn the conversation to the young couple, as soon as they answered he would take over. After that I invited him for lunch on the forth of July and others over for dinner. Learn from the past, know the personalities and plan to fit that day.

Imagine everyone has a sign on their back that says make me feel special.

Merry Christmas and a Happier NEW Year!

Safe People

Do you know a safe person when you see one?

Do you know the signs of an unsafe person?

Do you have someone in your life who is always telling you what you should or shouldn’t do? Telling you How to be, How to think, what to say, How you should feel? Who should be your friend and who you should not hang with?

If you think about it, do you really know what you like and don’t like? Let’s try something simple. Do you prefer square or oval shaped? Are you a water person or prefer the gym? If you had to think hard about it, that is a sign that you have lost yourself and have allowed someone else to have control over you. You may feel like a victim but let’s face the fact, you GAVE your power away. You are ALLOWING them to control you and You CAN at anytime take your power back. There is something stopping you, a secondary benefit.

What is a secondary benefit? Only you can decide that. Here are some possibilities. If your mate is the main provider then it could be financial. If you’re the main care giver of children and don’t really have a skill or education, then you may be concerned about how can you support your children and yourself financially. Maybe you are so co-dependent that you emotionally think you need their approval and what you perceive as love. People pleasing is a sign of co-dependency. Controlling, manipulating people are not giving you real love. It is called Love bombing, where they act like they love you to get what they want, to get you to do what they want. Playing to your weak spots and they know all of them.

If family or friends, are putting you down, pointing out the negative, most of the time. That is not a healthy relationship. It doesn’t matter if it’s your mother, husband or Grown child. You need to set HEALTHY boundaries. Boundaries that protect you emotionally and physically. Emotional turmoil can cause you to be sick in many ways. If you find your health keeps going downhill, your emotions and the emotional abuse you’ve suffered may be at the bottom of it all.

Safe people WILL Listen to you and Not tell you what to do. They may ask questions to help you think it through but they do not tell you what to do or not to do unless you have given them permission to. Safe people don’t put you down, they support you and try to help in a Positive way. Safe people will listen more, so you can talk yourself, your feelings, through and figure them out.

Safe people are there for you when you call and let you cry on their shoulder but will guide you to solutions. As a rule, even with a counselor, you should only spend about 15 min. talking about the problem, then move on to solutions.

Don’t dwell on the past, learn from it and move on. Like Lot’s wife you can turn into a pillar of salt…a heart of stone. Become an angry bitter person. Forgiveness is for YOUR sake not the offender.

Don’t look back, Your not going that way!